Recognizing the Subtle Signs: How to Tell If Someone Might Be at Risk of Domestic or Family Violence
Chances are, you or a person you love have experienced domestic or family violence. Recognizing the quiet signals could be the first step in helping yourself or someone else access safety and support. You don’t have to be a professional to make a difference. Simply noticing, listening, and gently offering support can be life-changing for someone in a dangerous situation. By tuning in to the subtle signs—and showing that you're a safe and steady presence—you might help someone take the first step toward safety and healing.
Just how bad is it?
Domestic and family violence remains a pervasive issue affecting both men and women across the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand. While each country has its unique context, the statistics reveal alarming trends that underscore the urgency for continued awareness, support, and prevention efforts.
United States - Population: 340 million
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, in 2023, there were approximately 629,820 intimate partner violence victimizations and 1,165,890 domestic violence victimizations in the U.S. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) indicates that about 41% of women have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime. On average, three women are killed each day by a current or former intimate partner in the United States.
Canada - Population: 40 million
More than 11 million people in Canada have experienced intimate partner violence at least once since the age of 15. In 2023, police-reported data indicated 123,319 victims of intimate partner violence, with women and girls accounting for 78% of these victims. The rate of intimate partner violence was nearly four times higher for women and girls (549 victims per 100,000 population) than for men and boys (155 victims per 100,000 population).
United Kingdom - Population: 68 million
A report by the UK Parliament's Public Accounts Committee highlighted that women's refuges turned away 65% of requests, and community services met only around half of the demand, indicating systemic issues in support services. The Crime Survey for England and Wales estimated that 2.1 million people aged 16 years and over (1.4 million women and 751,000 men) experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2023. In the same period, police recorded 889,918 domestic abuse-related crimes in England and Wales.
Australia - Population: 21 million
Family, domestic, and sexual violence is a major health and welfare issue in Australia, predominantly affecting women and children across all socioeconomic and demographic groups. Nationally, one in six women and one in 16 men have experienced domestic violence in ‘the Lucky Country’. I am one of them. My son is another. More than one woman killed in family violence settings each week.
New Zealand - Population: 5 million
One in three women in New Zealand are victims of physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence in their lifetime. When broken down by ethnicity, 58% of Māori women, 34% of European/other women, 32% of Pacific women, and 11.5% of Asian women experience intimate partner violence. Family violence events have increased 60% over the past five years and are predicted to increase by a further 35% by 2025.
These statistics highlight the critical need for comprehensive strategies to address domestic and family violence, including prevention, support services, and legal protections. Efforts must be tailored to the specific contexts of each country, with particular attention to vulnerable populations and the systemic barriers they face.
Telltale Behaviors to Watch For
Not all signs of domestic abuse are visible. In fact, many who are living in fear or danger often go to great lengths to hide what’s really going on. They may smile in public, keep up appearances, and downplay any signs of distress. But if you pay attention, you may notice subtle behaviors that suggest something isn’t right.
1. Withdrawal from Friends and Family
If a person who was once social and outgoing suddenly pulls away from their usual circle, stops answering calls, or frequently cancels plans, it could be a red flag. Abusive partners often isolate their victims to increase control and reduce outside influence.
2. Constantly Checking In or Seeming Nervous About Her Partner
Do they seem anxious about missing a call or text? Are they unusually preoccupied with where their partner is or how they might react if they’re late? This could indicate fear, not just thoughtfulness.
3. Making Excuses for Everything
If they frequently defend or minimize their partner’s behavior—“He’s just stressed,” “She didn’t mean it,” “It’s my fault really”—they may be rationalizing abuse. Victims often internalize blame and try to protect their abuser.
4. Changes in Appearance or Behavior
Look for sudden shifts in clothing (wearing long sleeves even in hot weather), dramatic changes in grooming, or behavior that seems overly subdued or cautious. These can be signs of physical harm or emotional shutdown.
5. Signs of Anxiety, Depression, or Hypervigilance
Living in a threatening environment can lead to emotional distress. If they seem perpetually nervous, jumpy, tired, or emotionally “flat,” these may be symptoms of trauma.
6. Financial Dependence or Sudden Career Changes
If they have given up work, lost control over their finances, or if they speak vaguely about money issues, it could be due to financial control—a common tactic in abusive relationships.
7. Overly Positive or "Perfect" Stories About Their Relationship
While it might seem like a good sign, constantly talking about how “perfect” everything is—especially when it feels forced—can be a mask. If the words don’t match the tone, or if you sense tension behind the smile, trust your instincts.
What You Can Do
1. Create a Safe Space to Talk
If you’re concerned, choose a quiet, private moment to gently check in. A simple “Are you okay?” or “I’ve noticed you seem a bit off lately—do you want to talk?” can open the door. Avoid pushing too hard. They may not be ready to open up, especially if they fear consequences. What matters most is letting them know you care, and that you’re a safe, non-judgmental person they can turn to.
2. Believe Them
If they share something, listen without disbelief, shock, or pressure. Let them speak freely. Saying things like “That sounds scary,” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” can help validate their experience.
3. Avoid Telling Them What to Do
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely simple. There may be children, financial dependence, or fear of retaliation. Instead of saying “You need to leave,” offer information and support.
You might say:
“There are people who can help when you’re ready.”
“Would it be okay if I shared some resources with you?”
4. Know Where to Get Help
Below are key index pages for support services in each of the countries listed in this article.
