Learning - Navigating the Empty Nest

Wellbeing

May 4

Letting go and giving children the space to become independent is incredibly hard. The transition to an empty nester is often an emotional that leaves parents feeling lost and alone. We’ve gathered some tips to help you navigate this new chapter in life, and adjust to your newfound freedom, as well as possible estrangement…

Allow time to adjust

When you feel your children don't need you, try to remember that it's normal for them to develop this way. They're growing up and discovering their independence. That's what you taught them to do! It's hard to see them needing you less and less, but however old they get, they'll always need you - just in different ways.

Remember: it's okay to have mixed feelings about this change. Give yourself time to adjust.

Find your purpose

When your children are small, they take up a lot of your energy and focus. So when they start to grow up, you can feel at a loss as to what to do with yourself. Channel your focus into something else.

Remember: your identity changed when you transitioned from being you to being mum of them. Being mum was your purpose and the most important job you'll ever have. You haven't been fired. You've simply successfully completed your job. It's now time to let go and find another purpose in life.

Give them space

Even though your kids are growing up and becoming more independent, there will be times when they still need you. Let them know that they can still come to you when they need help or advice, but leave it to them to decide when. This allows them to assert their growing autonomy but still have the option of turning to you.

Remember: it may seem the only time you hear from them is when they want something (usually money). Don't become their ATM, as budgeting and financial struggles are their next step in learning. And for heaven’s sake! Stop waiting for them to call to see how you are! They're too busy to worry about you and expect that as you're an adult, you can take care of yourself. Don't become their guilt burden!

Let them fail

Some parents react to their children's attempts to become more independent by trying to stand in their way. This can become stifling and will likely make your child resentful. It may also mean that they find it difficult later on to stand on their own two feet. Children do need to learn to sort things out for themselves and to take responsibility, or they'll find adult life difficult.

Remember: the best lessons were learned when you made mistakes. They can't learn from your mistakes. They have to make their own. It's hard to watch, so sometimes, you'll just need to look away!

Grow up

It's not just your children who are becoming more independent. Make the most of your increasing freedom from parental responsibilities, and take the chance to do more things that you enjoy. You'll have more time to devote to travel, hobbies, love, your friends, and YOURSELF!

Remember: you yearned for 'me time' when your kids were young. It's now that time, so embrace it! They've grown up (older), and you've grown up (older) too. It's now time to transition to the new you. You've done it in puberty, adulthood, marriage, and parenthood, so open the door and walk through. Your children will have to adapt to your change, and accept that you've grown up too! Expect some push back from them as well.

Be 'Prad'

Part of your role as a parent is to teach your kids to be independent and go out into the world. So if they're needing you less, that's actually a good thing and shows that you've done a good job. Be proud of yourself and your child. One day, you won't be around. You want them to survive that! They're learning resilience.

Remember: it's another milestone. Just like their first day at school, first sleepover, graduation, etc, you will feel both proud and sad as they become increasingly independent. There's a word I coined for it: 'Prad'. Proud yet sad. Add it to your dictionary.

Put yourself first

Your kids have always put themselves first. They grew up being told how incredible they were and being the most important person in the world. It's all they know. Acknowledging that you're important likely hasn't entered their mind yet. That hurts, but the love between a parent and child was never a thing of equal measure.

Remember: although your kids expect you to be at their beck and call, they also expect you to be independent too. You've had 20 years to plan for this time, even though it may have come earlier than expected, and have been accompanied by a loss of career and dissolution of marriage. The reality is that you have absolutely NO choice but to play the hand you’ve been dealt. No one can do it for you, so put yourself first and move on!

Get over the guilt

You have spent decades giving the best of everything to your family. They've taken what you gave and moved on. If it was a husband, we'd all be calling him a rotten sod! But it's your child, and society sees it as the norm and expects you to move on too!

Remember: Feeling guilty for putting yourself first, spending money on your own needs, making decisions that do not involve them, and possibly not being physically accessible, is part of this next stage. You gave it all as a mother with a dependent child, but your children are now adults, so there is no reason to feel guilty about taking care of YOU!

Grieve, cry, breathe

It hurts. No! It's bloody CRUSHING when your children discard you and march toward their futures without so much as a thank you and a backwards glance. Truth be told, you likely did the same, but even if you didn't, your mum probably cried nonetheless.

Remember: it's okay to grieve. Cry when you must. But remember to survive, you've got to breathe. If can take those deep breaths in a room on your own, with a box of tissues and silent phone. Or you can take them while walking on a beach in Thailand, sitting in a Cafe in Paris, or hiking the Camino in Spain.

Barbara’s Pearls of Wisdom

Rebuilding your social circle can be a critical tool in helping parents transition from being a parent to being alone. Barbara shares some practical tips that worked for her.

Barbara gets a teeny weeny bit soft as she shares her advice for mothers who suddenly find themselves all alone in an empty nest.