My Daughter, My Self
By Yvonne Herbst
My 28-year-old daughter called me yesterday seeking some motherly wisdom and guidance.
Reflecting on the observation, ‘To be seen is to be loved’, I realized that I never felt seen by my mother. Not feeling seen, I did not feel loved, and not feeling loved drove me to look for love in all the wrong places.
Again and again I committed myself to men who were wrong for me. Two more observations now sum up that period of my life: ‘You don’t know what is true if you have been raised to deny the truth of what you see’, and ‘You don’t know what you are missing if you have never experienced the thing you are lacking’.
So I felt profoundly honored and grateful that my daughter reached out to me for a girl talk’ seeking comfort and a dose of ‘elder woman wisdom.’
Our recent conversation centered around questions that every woman in search of ’her person’ or Soul Mate eventually asks herself:
• How do I know if the person I’ve been dating is ‘the one’ for me?
• Is it unrealistic to want more from a relationship than what I have right now?
• Should I settle for what I have now, even though something feels ‘off’?
• Should I hold out in the hope of finding someone more satisfying and better suited to me, even if it means I may never find ‘the one’ who checks all the boxes?
• How do I know if I can overlook - and live with - personality and character traits that annoy me? Are they insignificant annoyances in the grand scheme of life, or red flags telling me I should move to avoid getting hurt?
As we talked, I wished I’d had a wise and perceptive mother with whom I could have explored these same questions when I was coming of age. Or a strong and heart-centered father who had known how to support my evolution from child to young woman. Parents who may have encouraged me to listen, to and trust my instincts, and discern who was and - who was not [ worthy of my time, my self, and my love. But I did not, and it’s possible I may not have been open to what they had to say.
It has been my life’s mission to be the mother to my daughter that I wish I had had, and to cultivate in her the self-confidence, discernment and belief in herself that I lacked in my formative years. I try to see her and accept her as she is, and for all she is seeking to be in her life’s journey. I can only hope that she feels seen and supported by me.
At 69 years old, I have experienced setbacks, detours, failures, heartbreaks, betrayals and disillusionment. I see myself at my daughter’s age in the questions she is wrestling with today and I wish I had definitive answers I could share. Following is what I believe today, and hence the wisdom I offered:
• Don’t be in a rush to find your life partner.
• Listen carefully to the quiet voice within if it is tugging at your heart and questioning whether he is right for you.
• Trust your instincts, even if they defy conventional wisdom or logic.
• Believe that you are worthy.
• Trust that life will lead you to “the one” who genuinely sees you and hears you, who honors you without belittling you; a life partner who will cherish and embrace you for all that you are today, and all that you shall become.
Sometimes I ponder whether I would be happier today if I had made wiser choices when I was 20, 30 and 35. No matter what alternative future I envision when I indulge in these occasional fantasies, I always arrive at this conclusion: that every romantic choice I made, led me to her father, which in turn led to her conception.
And that I do not regret for one moment.
