Lurve - Rolling the Dice
I’ve been married three times… kinda... The first marriage: Elvis married us in Vegas. The second marriage (16 years later): I was told the day before the wedding day, that his divorce wasn’t through yet (so we had to marry again 3 months later). Each marriage an unmitigated disaster and it’s been a bloody hard road rebuilding myself and my finances after each foolish escapade. Would I do it again?…
Deciding whether to remarry or stay single later in life is a deeply personal choice though. some have a wonderful spin of the wheel and remain romantics at heart. However, as we age - and become wiser - our priorities shift. What we want from relationships changes.
Menopause murders the sex-drive for most of us, and we get quite comfortable binge-watching Outlander until 4am, heading out with the girls for a 5-hour lunch, and purchasing a wellness retreat on an impulse. Why on Earth would we trade in such freedoms, when they’ve been so hard won and at such cost?
Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or simply enjoying your independence, it’s natural to reflect on whether a new marriage might enhance your life, or destroy it! For some, staying single seems a lonely path to take, but that needn’t be the case if you have good friends.
Below, I explore the pros and cons of both choices and share insights from women who’ve been loved well, and miss the companionship and caring that their partners once offered.
The Case for Remarriage
If you found a unicorn and had a fabulous marriage or partnership, then you’re indeed one of the fortunate few. You’re likely to be missing your rare gem of a partner, and remarriage represents the hope to rediscover companionship and love yet again. Felicity, 64, told me, “I never thought I’d marry again after my husband died. But then I met Tom and I realized that I still wanted someone to grow old with.”
Benefits of Remarriage
Companionship: Sharing your life with someone can bring joy and reduce loneliness.
Emotional and Practical Support: A spouse can be a partner in handling life’s challenges, from health issues to everyday decisions.
Financial Stability: Combining resources can provide economic benefits, such as shared living expenses.
A Fresh Start: For those healing from past relationships, remarriage can symbolize new beginnings.
However, remarriage isn’t without challenges. Managing finances or adapting to another person’s habits can require effort and compromise. Felicity adds, “Tom and I both value our independence, so we maintain separate homes. Every fortnight we reconnect for a week and have a whale of a good time! It may appear to be an odd arrangement to some, but it works very well for us.”
The Joy of Staying Single
For those of us who have not had great marriages or relationships, there’s a great deal of fulfillment found in staying single. *“After my husband and I divorced, I realized I didn’t want to answer to anyone anymore,”* says Linda, 72. “I’ve created a life where I can travel, volunteer, and spend time with my grandkids without worrying about anyone else’s grumbles, groans and expectations.”
Benefits of Staying Single
Independence: You make decisions based solely on your preferences and needs.
More Time for Passions: Whether it’s travel, hobbies, or friendships, you can prioritize what brings you joy.
Avoiding Past Pitfalls: Staying single can help you focus on self-growth and avoid the challenges of blending lives with a new partner.
Financial Control: You maintain full autonomy over your assets and expenses.
However, single life isn’t without its challenges. Loneliness can creep in, especially during holidays or milestones. Linda acknowledges, “Sometimes I miss having someone to cuddle with, but my support network of friends - including some amazing gay male friends - keeps me grounded and feeling wanted.”
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re debating remarriage or staying single, consider these questions:
1. What are your goals? Do you want companionship, or are you focused on personal growth and independence?
2. Am I willing to compromise? being in a serious relationship requires compromise, including adapting to someone else’s needs. Is that what you’re willing to do?
3. How do you feel about finances? Remarriage can complicate financial matters, especially with blended families. It can also jeopardizes your retirement savings, which may be impossible to replace if things go wrong and financial settlement results in a division of assets.
4. What does happiness look like? Visualize your ideal future. Does it include a partner? What if they become ill or infirm? Does it STILL include a partner?
Finding Empowerment in Your Choice
Ultimately, the right decision is the one that aligns with your values, needs, and vision for your future. Kathy, 68, chose to remarry, while her best friend Susan, 70, stayed single. “We both made the right choice for ourselves,” Kathy says. “There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The important thing is to honor what makes you happy.”
Tips for Empowerment:
Communicate honestly: If you’re considering remarriage or re-partnering, have open discussions with your partner about expectations. Is marriage really required at this age?
Build a support system: Whether married or single, friendships and community are vital for happiness. If your newly beloved isn’t comfortable with you retaining your network of friends, think good and hard about what you’ll be giving up!
Focus on self-care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental health.
Embrace your choice: Trust that you’re making the best decision for yourself, regardless of societal expectations.
Your Life, Your Rules
Deciding to re-partner or stay single later in life is a significant consideration. Each option comes with its own joys and challenges, but the beauty lies in the fact that as you already have experience to draw from, you’ll be going into it with your eyes wide open. Whether you’re single or married, happiness isn’t about your relationship status, it’s about living authentically and loving the life you’ve built.
So would I marry again? Unlikely. But if an unmarried, educated black man with a yacht, a great sense of humor and a keen sense of adventure crossed my path, I may happily hitch a ride on his boat! (Yeah… that’s NEVER gonna happen! He’d FOR SURE be married already!)
Reader Poll Results
1% Only if he’s done the emotional work and he’s kind, respectful, responsible, and we live separately.
1% Only if I could remarry my ex.
1% I did remarry and it’s been wonderful.
5% Definitely!
6% Only if we trusted each other to live and travel freely without possession and insecurity… a partner in adventures together and alone.
8% Only if we lived separately and reconnected periodically for the GOOD TIMES.
13% I’d like to think so.
14% Nope! I’m done with drama!
51% For me to consider it, they’d have to be beyond incredible at this stage.
Crack-ups from The Marigold Experience Members:
Maureen: Not a chance would I remarry. I actively avoid dating as I am blissfully happy and have my retirement master plan all sorted. No distractions. As my friend said, "You have so many balls in the air, why would you want 2 on your couch?!"
Cher: I would date again. But not men anymore. I'll never date another man.
Morisette: I left my first baby husband of 23 years and regretted since. He was an amazing man, father and loved me deeply. He wanted all the things in life I want now. But at the time I knew nothing of what I wanted and thought the grass was greener Not. Plus we were caught up in religion. Just last year we reconnected and spilled our hearts out. It was a healing time. But he was already involved with an amazing woman with plans to marry. I’ve been learning the hard way but have accepted.
Rose: If I found someone that amazing that fit that well into the way I want to live my life, and with whom I had the type of dynamic that I had that level of confidence in, I would be open to the idea of getting married if it was really super important to him. Having said that, I don't think that the sort of guy to whom getting married would be super important to, is also the sort of guy that all those other things would happen with. Never Say Never and all that, but I don't even make any effort to date so probably pretty safe on that front.
Sheila: No more marriage. I have had 3 marriages at 59 years old. I am much happier in my own space. Dating maybe if they are amazing.
Caramia: For me to even consider it he would need to be so over the top amazing that clearly he is a serial killer trying to lure me in. So nope!
Christina: After being single for over 8 years with zero dating I decided to start dating this year which was a rather rollercoaster experience, and just as I was to delete all my dating apps along came the man of my dreams in the most unexpected package! Miracles can happen! But I would not see any need for marrying again. Just enjoy this carefree time now where all the difficulties of starting families etc. have been lived through and now it’s just carefree and loving sharing each other and experiences!
Claire: I would re partner if the right one came along - but only if there is no drama and he takes care of himself! I am not cooking, cleaning or ironing for anyone!
Peita: It is so unfortunate to be in this situation however I can see how people re-partner for security or a roof over their heads. In the current financial climate, with housing security affecting women aged 50+, I can empathise with Thai bar girls.
Louisa: I am a psycho magnet ... so never again!
Lori: Hell no!
Sali: I believe in marriage. I just choose the wrong men. I saw the red flags and ignored them, so I take accountability for my part in the failure but I still believe it can be wonderful with the right person.
Lita: I'm 100% okay with my relationship. We are both secure enough that we don't have to be together always.
