Conversations with a Sentimental Hoarder
I never thought of myself as a hoarder. But I guess I must be. they say many people with hoarding disorder show indecisiveness or perfectionism. I’m not sure which refers to me, but those shoes do look rather perfect…
My mum would tell you she doesn’t hoard. She collects. Clocks. A heap of ugly old clocks that insist on reminding you that with each tick, another sliver of your life just disappeared. Hoarder mums often breed hoarder kids.
And then there’s the theory that stressful life events trigger hoarding. Events such as the death of a loved one, an eviction, or divorce for example. I guess two out of three qualifies me?
Recently, I spent much of the day in my storage unit. The purpose was to locate my US Social Security card from when I was 18. I'm pretty sure it's in a big, heavy oak dowry chest my dad built for me when I was very young. He died not so many years later, and it's the only thing I have of him.
The bloody thing looks like a coffin and weights a ton. It's so heavy he affixed coffin handles on the outside. They broke off with the weight!
When my kids looked at it in horror a couple of years ago and asked what I expected THEM to do with it when I passed, my reply was: 'Empty all your kindly art out of it, your school reports and photos. Then stuff my body inside and it can be cremated with me inside. Solves two problems at once!'
I’m not sure that was the response they expected…
I couldn't believe how many of my kid's shoes I'd kept. They're so tiny! So cute… ahhhh! The memories of cupping their soft little heel in my hand as I slept…
I'm going to fill my daughter's pink cowgirl boots with an oasis, then arrange dried flowers in the boots so they're a cute ornament for her university dorm room. Hopefully she remembers them.
How the hell did they grow up so fast? How the hell did we get so old so fast? How the ‘F’ did I end up with TWO darned storage units after 6 hours of sorting, when I started with only one, and added nothing extra?
I even found a brand-new pair of hiking boots and not one, not two, not even THREE backpacks, but SEVEN BRAND NEW backpacks in a box! (I guess each time I bought one, I must've forgotten I had a new one sitting on a box already...)
As for the box labelled 'Random Shit', I didn't dare open it!
Two boxes stuffed full of old tax papers went to the tip.
The car is full of stuff that needs selling.
Did I find the social security card? Not yet! More digging to happen on Monday.
Who wants to bet the card is in that bloody box called ‘Random Shit’?
So is it just me? Or are some of you lot as bad as me with holding on to your children's things from their earliest years?
Conversations With Empty Nesters
Kirstine:
One time I lived in a small loft flat in Copenhagen - and some of my stuff not of great value I had to put in storage. I paid about 50 US$ a month to keep it there. Never got around to empty it and ended up having it for more than 10 years and more or less forgot about the content...!! One day the storage company called to say the whole storage building had burned down and my unit too.
My reaction was "Thank you God - for letting my things burn down...!!! Thank you Life, for helping me out...
Quite a lesson for wasting my money and really thinking about what I like to hold on to.
Shelly:
I've been organized since childhood. Even my Barbie Dolls had to keep their clothes in order or ELSE they would have to stand in the corner of the box My OCD is so bad, I can send a total stranger to my house to locate a specific piece of paperwork in the filing cabinet, and they could find it with their eyes closed.
You would die laughing if you opened my storage unit, pure perfection!
Once my children married and had children of their own, I gave them their personal photo albums and all the wonderful things I collected for each. I hoped the pride they now feel when they save a beautiful piece of artwork or creative story their little one brings home will help them to understand why I saved so many items for them.
Jennifer:
I don’t hold only anything. My daughter has one small Tupperware bin of things from when she was small but that’s it. I recall how awful it was cleaning out our childhood home when mom was getting ill. I could never do that to my daughter. I live a pretty minimalist life now.
Jill:
Before I sold my house, I had a garage full of stuff. My children told me they didn’t want any of my ‘treasures’. They are no longer interested in their past and want me to get on with my future for my own health.
They both continually go through their belongings and donate the items they no longer use.
I guess my point is to have that conversation with your, now adult, children and let them decide if there is any emotional value left.
My girls beg me not to leave them with the task of disposing the stacks of boxes of memorabilia that even I haven’t opened for years.
Glenys:
It’s a really tough thing to face, especially on your own.
The ONE big thing that made it easier for me to let go of all the things I really didn’t need (or want, to be truthful with myself) in my life for the future, was when Mum decided to move into aged care a few years ago, and left me to deal with everything she didn’t take with her, by myself…… furniture, paintings, big & small appliances, crockery, pots & pans, food, board games, nick-knacks, photos, plants, you name it….. every single thing that wouldn’t fit into her room at the aged care residence…. so, a lot of stuff!
She gave me an old port filled with letters, photos, air force medals etc of my father’s, who died when I was 7, to keep safe, and really, that, and one painting, were about the only things I wanted &/or needed to keep. And a few old board games.
That whole process made me realise for the first time ever, that none of us (my 2 older sisters, my daughter, nieces, nephews, cousins etc) needed OR wanted any of it……. including all the framed photos of our kids etc when they were younger that we’d given to Mum over the years, because we had those photos ourselves already.
I took photos of every photo she left behind (& later loaded them onto her laptop for her) and sold, gave away or donated everything else, until there was nothing left. Someone else was soon to move in, so I couldn’t leave anything behind!
Throwing all those framed photos in the bin was the hardest thing. I was stunned to realise that was the ONLY option remaining. Just awful - and weird!
But…. the biggest lesson I learnt was that our kids (& whoever else) do NOT want all our stuff! They’ve got their own for one thing, and what’s precious to us, isn’t automatically precious to them and we shouldn’t expect it to be.
So, when I went home after all that (& had aged 10 yrs doing it all), I started going through mine once again.
I asked my daughter to go through ALL her stuff next time she visited (we lived in different towns) & to take away everything she wanted to keep. I also told her to bin anything she didn’t want, because what the hell was I going to do with it?
The lovely old cane rocking horse I bought for her when I was pregnant with her finally went with her (& now lives in HER garage, because she’s always loved it & now so does my grandson), along with her old school photos & memorabilia, etc, etc.
I only kept what was precious to ME, and narrowed that down sensibly, to only what would fit - without crowding or taking up valuable storage space in the little one-bedroom unit I was moving into, 700 kms away (closer to my daughter, Mum & cousins etc). I made enough money from THAT cull, to pay for my removalist, bond cleaner, the bond on the new place and more.
But geez, what a hard lesson to learn…… to realise that all the things I’d kept for donkey’s years that belonged to my daughter (because they all leave stuff behind when they leave home) - and “assumed” she’d still want - weren’t things she actually wanted anymore at all, and certainly had no use for…… same as when I went through Mum’s stuff.
So, ladies…… excess (& often no longer relevant) sentiment doesn’t clear away your stuff. Be practical. Take photos of photos & ditch the frames! And sell, donate or give away anything you don’t want or need - now! Make some money from whatever you can. It’ll pay for something you perhaps couldn’t have otherwise afforded!
Get your kids to take their own stuff away - NOW! and for THEM to throw away anything they don’t want to keep - otherwise you will - and say why, so they understand.
It’s so freeing….. for you AND for them….. knowing you’re not leaving all your shit for them to deal with when you die or aren’t capable anymore.
And even more freeing if you’ve been paying storage fees for years, for stuff you don’t even remember you own…… have done without & certainly don’t & won’t need again. What a waste of money! I know…. because I did that years ago when I started, living & working overseas and travelled for years. Ridiculous the stuff I was paying to store, that disintegrated from the heat in the storage unit, and that I hadn’t really needed to keep anyway.
Be tough with yourself (& your kids, or whoever you’re paying to store stuff for!) and your life will change. Believe me, you’ll be on cloud nine when you finish the tough cull.
Barbara:
OMG! I remember doing this! Emptied a 3000 square foot house, then filled up a 2000 square foot house AND a storage unit!
I put together a box for each kid, labeled it and gave it to them. I was no longer the keeper of the memories! Hard job, but a ball and chain around my neck. Soooo freeing!
Took me 3 years to really unload. Now I am a nomad, but still manage to gather stuff! A work in progress!
Ashev:
I'm pretty bad. But have been trying to get rid of things gradually. I have soooo many photos, slides, videos, etc etc and the kids barely give them a glance. I have a new theory that all their scrolling and digital content are making them just expect everything to just flit past, everything being momentary and fleeting. I'm a dinosaur and all my photos (of them) are just detritus. I haven't started culling them yet, but one day, one day.... I will jump in and try to chuck some out. Most of my paperwork gets very slowly shredded for the compost bin, and the divorce stuff is more satisfyingly burnt to a cinder. I've given myself a year to cull and move but it's a slow process.
Lorinda :
The funny thing is that, for the most part, they don't want the things you saved for decades. I finally did like Barbara above, boxing and giving my kids their things for them to decide what to do with them. Funny thing: my oldest who is expecting his first, came across a well-used rug with a bear in the center. He remembered that was in his room, and the baby rooms of his two siblings (hence "well used"). He took it to have it framed for his son's room. I never would have guessed that thread-bare rug would be considered a treasure. (Don't ask me why we kept it all these years...I have no idea)
Ellen:
I've never had a storage unit. I have a girlfriend that has had a storage unit for 35 years. All I can think of is how much money could have been saved and used for travel!
Gillean:
Just moved and still unpacking but have two 40ft containers to divest. Every stitch of clothing or toy they ever owned. Never had the time, energy or mental space to sort but I have now, so it'll be done by next summer. I'm just going to tip away at it....slow & steady.
I have a box each for the girls and will hold until they have their own home and after that....I'm keeping the minimum and the family archives which I'm the keeper of. The girls are too young to appreciate the nostalgia yet at 21 & 18. I hope they will in time, if not, they can choose what to do with their stuff.
Brigitte:
I’m exactly in the same boat. 2 storage units, and much of it is their beautiful hand made toys, clothes and their art. When I look at the things the images of them playing come rushing back and I don’t want those images to be tossed.
Hasina:
I recognized the Robeez! Those were so in in the day! I too have a garage and spare bedroom filled with memories I don't have the heart to part with. Each reminds me of a cherished time as if to hold time still for me. But, it doesn't. No matter how many things I try to collect.
Gabriele:
I went through a good two, three months while getting ready to sell my house, sitting in my garage laughing at what I found, but mostly crying, going through everything I’ve schlepped around for 30 years not having had the time to go through whilst raising three kids on my own, and not daring to throw anything out in case it was important. Out of all that I only kept a few boxes, but did find important stuff like my birth certificate from Berlin, and as the hospital is no longer standing, it would have been tough to replace, and I need it to apply for EU passport. That was found loose in a box of “random shit. ” Can’t believe I did that, but we forget how overwhelmed and tired we were at that stage of life. So, yes, do look through that random shit. Good luck, it’s an emotional journey for sure.
Fa:
I have accumulated so much stuff from all my overseas assignments, lots of countries, so I can relate only too well! Lots of Moroccan lamps, carpets, furniture that I’m holding on to as well. As much as I want to let go of them, a part of me says not yet, as these are part of the fabric of my life and travels that I may one day look at and reminisce on my life.
I have however gotten rid/recycled lots of other stuff that clutters up my brain
And yes! I am still holding on to my kids’ stuff… some I will make into a quilt and I plan on doing a collage of their artwork… one of these days…
